Welcome to the wilderness and the forest and the ocean where my heart treads and my thoughts live.
Thursday, April 11, 2013
Shout Transparency
This is not what I had planned my blog post to be about. I wanted it to be cool and insightful and refreshing and bright. But let's be honest, we all know that's not me. Especially not today. You've been warned. And with that being said, welcome into my head...
I was six minutes late to Math class this morning and the door was locked when I got there and I was sure Ms. Parker had XF'd me like she'd warned if I was late again. But I knocked until she let me in, so, cool. I think we learned how to change fractions to percents to decimals and back to fractions again, but I don't remember because I never took my medicine this morning. I need to go to the Math Lab.
I cried all the way across campus to the art building because how do you tell someone you love them when you're never going to see them again and they don't even seem to care? Yeah, I don't know either.
I bought a large iced coffee at Einstein's and forgot to put ice in it.
My Russian Digital Imagery professor continued to teach us how to use InDesign. For our final project, we have to design and create a book. I still don't know how to properly use the pen tool. 45 minutes into the class, I had probably consumed 30 ounces of my room temperature coffee and I'm pretty sure the guy that uses the Mac beside me thought I was possessed by a demon, I was so jumpy. I didn't understand anything she told us. I ran back to my room as soon as I could and passed out asleep somehow despite the caffeine that was positively thumping through my body.
I've been curled up in my bed for the last four hours with all the lights off. That is, until a second ago when I got up to nibble on gluten free cereal that tastes like the insides of a Quaker oatmeal package. I made myself a cup of tea with the loose mate I bought for $18 on sale (regularly $79) at this super fancy tea shop over Christmas break. I brewed it too weak, so it now sits on my desk, failing to fulfill it's destiny of bringing momentary warmth to my body just because it tastes like microwaved water.
It's been one of those days that make you question your very existence and where you belong and if anything is ever going to improve. Sometimes I wonder why I am this way. I mean, up until a few weeks ago when Anna and I had a conversation, I believed this was a relatively normal way to feel. Apparently, it's not. She was horrified when I shared with her the barbed wire insides of my head. I still don't understand how someone can't not feel this way about themselves. It doesn't make sense to me. But before some of you start freaking out hardcore about me, I'd like to quote Stephen Chbosky because he's brilliant and he understands: "So, this is my life. And I want you to know that I am both happy and sad and I'm still trying to figure out how that could be."
I know most of you that are reading this are thinking Wow, Melia must be a complete psycho, and that's okay. I know this post wasn't what you were probably expecting, but I will never apologize for being transparent because, contrary to popular belief, it is okay to not be okay all the time. I don't know when we started lying to ourselves that the only social acceptable answer to How are you today? is I'm good, how are you? I mean, come on, I can't count how many times I've heard someone ask the family at a funeral how they were doing, and they said they were fine. Bull. Your father/mother/brother/sister/husband/wife is laying in a casket and you are never going to see them again. You are not fine.
When are we going to start giving ourselves permission to feel?
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